And I’d like to start off with something really stupid that people do. You might see this on busy sidewalks or in restaurants and crowded subways. It’s called “taking a Selfie.” Did we suddenly stoop that low in the world where we suddenly have to take pictures of ourselves doing really stupid things? “I’m in the bathroom brushing my teeth. SELFIE!” Or “My car is spinning at 90 MPH towards a wall. SELFIE!” The worst part of it all is that guys do them too. Why? Are all men suddenly tired of hunting and fishing and they now want to take goofy pictures of themselves with their friends? Ugh, selfies. Just the name sounds feminine. Honestly, I don’t think it should be a trend anymore. Too girly. Kind of like TGI Friday’s. Yeah, you've heard me mention that one before.
Have any of you ever gone to TGI Friday’s? Man, I hate that place. For goodness sake, what’s so special about TGIF? “Thank God it’s Friday” is the name of the restaurant and I think that name is well overused. Know what the name of TGI Friday’s sister is? OCI Monday’s! “Oh Crud it’s Monday!”
Branding. That’s another complaint of mine. Ever notice that some advertisers don’t tell the truth? I honestly believe that if most advertisers were truthful in what they are selling or promoting, consumers would buy more of their pathetic products. Here’s a car slogan for you: “Presenting the New 2015 Piece of Junk!” Doesn't that make a perfect advertisement for a new vehicle? Or how about “Jim’s Cookies: 63 Varieties.” I’d say “Hey Jim. If you can’t make cookies in 62 tries, leave me out of it, man. I’d rather not be a part of your experiment.” See? Tells the truth and moves things along.
This next problem of mine makes me wish I was in Heck right now because that would mean my neighbor Bill would be there too. I really don’t like him! I dislike him not only because of what he has done but also because what he has not done. Like he doesn't chain his dog on a leash and he keeps jumping on me like I am his “buddy.” He licked me to death one day when I was sunbathing! I can’t wait for this dog to finally kill over. But do you know what I hate the most about this idiot? He loves to steal my mail. Why would he do that? I mean, just because my girlfriend gets Victoria’s Secret catalogs in the mail doesn't give him the right to take them. Hmm. So THAT’S why he loves to sneak into my mailbox. But anyway let’s go back to this dope. When he commits this villainous crime, little does he know that the things hanging around my house are not cylindrical bulbs but are security cameras. We have a slideshow of him alone stealing our mail. Now he’s trained his dog to do so as well!! However, the only member of his dysfunctional family who doesn't disturb us is his great uncle who I’m guessing is buried in their front yard. And I know he’s buried there. Besides, does he even know why his dog has a new bone to chew on every day?
Another problem of mine is seniors. Yes, I have respect for senior citizens. Just not the ones who ask me really goofy questions. Like if I was walking through Walmart and some old Looney Tune walks up to me. The problem is that I never know what to say when one of them randomly says to me "I know someone who looks like you". I mean, what are you supposed to say? Oh, well ok....tell em I said hi. I also find it weird when that strange old lady walks up to me in the store and goes "You look just like my grandson." I'm thinking umm is that good or bad? And then I start judging what the grandson might look like based on how the grandma looks. Believe me, it wasn't a pleasant thought. Anyways, just because I look like her grandson doesn't give her the right to talk to me...and touch my hair while saying "he has hair just like yours too." Next thing you know, I’m super creeped out so I walk away. I never even recognize when I look like someone. I'll be out somewhere and be all like....HA! Look at that guy, who does that dork looks like?" And then sadly realize... "OH MY GOSH! That freak looks like me!" Eh....what are you going to do? Once, while shopping in Walmart with my little sister...minding my own business, a senior citizen walked up to me and asked if my little sister was my child. Now I’m thinking aww. That’s disgusting. But just for fun....I said yes to see what she says. Next thing you know, I’m being scolded by this looney tune for being too young to have a kid. Obviously she wasn't. I can see why she thought my sister was my kid. She only looked a little bit like me and she acts like a brat but hey; don't tell her I said that.
Here’s something I think most of you can agree with. Cereal names. There are so many different supermarkets with dumb names for cereal. For example, the popular store Aldi is a bad example of what I am talking about. I must’ve been in the bathroom for too long or something because at some point in my trip to Aldi, Lucky Charms was changed to Marshmallows & Stars. Froot Loops was changed to Fruity Rings. And Frosted Flakes was changed to basically sprinkled powder on a wheat flake. Either way, those names were totally inappropriate for cereal companies. I don’t care what you call them. I swear; all these names make me want to go coo coo for Cocoa Puffs.
Ooh, I’ve got another good complaint: I’m sick and tired of people who make quote marks in the air with their fingers. Isn’t it annoying? They have to use their fingers to talk? Last time I checked, half of the people I know who do this have no idea how to use sign language. Jeez. It’s like “Kody, you’re so weird.” And I say “Bite me.” This is another perfect example of public idiocy.
Have you ever talked to somebody and they have to recite a phone conversation they had a few hours before? Did they ever have to do this? Let me set the scene for you: “So I was talking to my girlfriend. And then she hung up on me. So I hung up on her. She calls me back. So I hang up on her again.” And I told him “Bruno. You don’t have to do this. I think we all understand the concept of the telephone. You pick it up and you talk into it. Oh, excuse me Bruno; incoming call. Hey; it’s for you.”
This last complaint of mine is about commercials. I am so sick of people that bring up the topic of commercials in their conversations. Especially one that I’m involved in. Once again, I’ll set the scene. I’m sitting there, talking to my neighbor (like I actually give a darn what he’s saying). Anyway, he suddenly brings up a political commercial about a Democrat. I STOP HIM IMMEDIATELY. And I say “Hey Bill. If you think you’re so high and mighty why don’t YOU come up with a commercial idea of your own? I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you come up with a commercial of you using my brand new invention: The Finger Fone?” You weirdo.” But back to commercials. I think that the political commercials, false advertising commercials and all of the crappy sitcom commercials need to be cancelled. Especially if the commercial is for reruns of shows from the 1970’s. Besides, don’t you think we should let the audience find out which episode of “Crappy Sitcoms TV” will air tonight?
Or how about “Jim’s Cookies: 63 Varieties.” I’d say “Hey Jim. If you can’t make cookies in 62 tries, leave me out of it, man. I’d rather not be a part of your experiment.”
ReplyDeleteLove stealing from George Carling, do we?