Monologue Thursday: #1. "Odds And Ends"

This next piece of material is something I call “Odds And Ends” where I ask questions, give a few opinions and tell a few jokes about random topics. To start off, here’s a topic that had me thinking recently: Magazines. Have you ever read them? Well, silly me. EVERYBODY’S had to have read a magazine in their lives. But there are so many magazines that are centered on every day topics:

-Food
-Sports
-Real Estate
-Entertainment
-Music
-Hobbies/Leisure
-Current Events

-Here are the stupid ones:
-Getting hit in the head with a sledgehammer
-Going to jail for reaching into a woman’s purse and trying to steal 25C for a gumball
-Being Robbed
-Walking down the street
-Learning how to drive

I swear there are so many stupid names for magazines.

Here’s a question I have about dogs: Have any of you ever spelled bones in front of your dog? You could be thirty feet away from them and whisper the word “bones.” They’ll hear ya and come charging at you like a bullet. When they plow you down, they’ll start licking the heck out of you wanting a doggy treat. When I say “this is annoying,” I mean it’s annoying when you get dog slobber all over your face. I think that’s a treat in itself.

Another pet question; this time about cats. Have you ever realized that cats don’t accept blame? They could break every piece of fine china in your cabinet and they’ll walk away from it and look like it wasn’t them who broke your 1843 dinnerware. “What’s that? Somebody broke Ma’s plates? Not me. Forget that. I’m a kitty cat. Something broken? Ask the dog.” Dogs accept blame. They’ll look at you like “Oh crap. The cat blamed me again.”

Doctors. Now that’s a good topic to make fun of, eh? Have you ever sat on the butcher paper-covered table in your doctor’s office and you have a pound of salami and a pound of ham with you? So that when you leave, you can wrap it up to go! Also on the topic of doctors, have you ever realized that somewhere in the world, there’s the world’s worst doctor? And to scare the heck out of you all, I bet one of you has an appointment to see him tomorrow!

Hey, let’s go to the candy shop down the street. Eh? Let’s go guys. Ya know what I’m in the mood for? Boxed candy. Hmm, let me see. Ooh, maybe I’ll buy a box of Good ‘N’ Plenty’s. Hey, they taste good. And there are plenty of them in the box. Or about some Laffy Taffy? With how pathetic the jokes are on the wrapper, I think there’s no other name that would be appropriate for this candy than “Taffy.”

Now I’m going to tell you my plans for my new backyard. It’s not boring; don’t get your hopes up. Basically, I’m going to replace all of my yard- with an enormous trampoline. Ah, it’s going to be great. And when I’m outside hanging up my wet laundry, my neighbors will only see my head bobbing up and down. And that’s because my fence is 9 feet tall. And I’m only 5’11’.

A few days ago, I was walking down the street and I saw two guys sitting on the sidewalk. One was eating firecrackers and the other was drinking battery acid. I quickly called 911. Both were arrested; one was charged and eventually the other was left off. Yeah, you’ve got to be careful around that kind of stuff.

Ever wonder how the Mexican Hat Dance was created? Well, two guys named John and Bob were the ones to come up with it. John created the first half. Bob created the other half. If these two never met, the song would only repeat the first half. They were so happy that they went out to celebrate and they met Dippy (name came from his clumsy personality) who created the ending.